hollyslowly: X-Men; Logan and Prof. X in a car. (They still bleed through.)
[personal profile] hollyslowly
Pretty good day today. I'm slowly trudging my way out of the deep depressive funk I've been in since my grandmother died, I guess. I cleaned my apartment last week, and I stopped veering between eating like a trash compactor and not eating at all. Back to my preferred sleep schedule, exercising, and not crying in my car. Ah, life.

When I left my apartment this morning to go to the Greenway, my friendly junkie neighbor - I am making assumptions based on her dental situation, strange burns on her hands, and the way her slurred speech is an exact copy of my junkie cousin's - stuck her head out of her car and said, "You don't happen to have jumper cables, do you?" BUT I DID. Thanks, dad. I didn't know how to attach them, but she did, and fortunately a jump was all it needed, as the only other thing I could have done was what we had to do to my car a few weeks ago, which is to remove the built-up oxidation/corrosion on the battery posts that prevents it from making a strong connection. Having a string of shitty cars teaches you a lot about cars.

After the mild stalking incident a couple of years ago, I really haven't done much dating, but I usually activate an OkCupid profile for a few weeks each spring in a burst of optimism, before nuking it from orbit after awkward turtling my way through a bunch of bearded strangers. Had a first date on Wednesday with a guy I got along with quite well through text and who I had a great time talking with, but between his extreme earnestness and sending me a smiley-faced photo of himself yesterday that confirmed I never, ever want to have sex with him, I cancelled date #2 and signed up for Tinder. Have a date for drinks tomorrow afternoon, barring snow. Also considering recommitting myself to a life of celibacy, as emotions are unpleasant and I already have the cat.

Anyway, yesterday I tried to make some plans with my friends for this weekend, but they were busy doing married people stuff, like visiting mothers-in-law and helping sisters-in-law move. Last Saturday, we did an off-brand Wine and Design at Kathren's house, because she's a proper artist with an art degree, and I actually produced a credible facsimile of a barn with sunflowers. So I decided to take myself out today, including having lunch at the fancy coffee house with the delicious salad dressing and going to see Logan. When I was in college, I never thought twice about doing things like going to the movies on my own, or eating at a restaurant with a book for company, but something about the intense pressure here to be part of a group or a couple has made me extremely self-conscious about it. But I did it today, and it was lovely, and I will do it again in the future.

The book I'm struggling through is another Dan Simmons doorstopper. I read The Terror in January because I saw they're making a TV show out of it with my man Tobias Menzies in it sometime this year, and also because I have a fascination with arctic and maritime disasters. (This is an extremely specific niche interest that I occasionally trot out as an ice-breaker [ha] on dates.) The man is, it has to be said, an awful, repetitive, dry writer, but I am obsessed with his plots. I hope the one I'm reading now, The Abominable, has a resolution at least as ridiculous as The Terror.

Incidentally, if you could recommend something with a similar plot/setting but a better writer, I would be immensely grateful.

I've definitely gone off superhero movies, probably because of the supersaturation of comic book adaptations over the past several years, but I will always show up for a Wolverine movie. I'm the lowest common denominator of X-Men fans, because I don't care about the comics and all I want is to watch Hugh Jackman brutally repress feelings of anxiety, despair, self-loathing, helplessness, and rage for two hours at a time while being delightfully hairy. So, somewhat needless to say at this point, I've been looking forward to seeing Logan since I saw the trailer with Johnny Cash's cover of "Hurt" sometime last winter.

I try to go into films as unspoiled as possible when it's something I'm actually excited about, so all I really knew about this was that Wolverine was in it, there was some kind of kid angle, and I'd probably see Sir Patrick as well. It was pretty devastating. My grandmother had dementia that was slowly getting worse, and the mood swings Professor X experiences, the moving back and forth in time and place, reminded me a lot of that. Billy Pilgrim has come unstuck in time. And Xavier remembering what he'd done and telling Logan, "I finally understand you," and Logan saying, "It wasn't me, it wasn't me," as Xavier is dying was so affecting for me. I'm crying a bit right now, actually. Just thinking about the ways we try to connect, what we try to say to each other, and how eventually there are no further opportunities to say anything.

Date: 2017-03-12 05:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] carlyinrome.livejournal.com


I'm glad you're feeling more you. I like that Holly character. I have also had a series of bad cars, but all that has taught me is yes, you can kill your car driving through high water; if you're driving somewhere and your horn comes on and doesn't stop, it is really, really loud, and everyone will look at you like you're insane, and you will have to pull over and have an adult remove the fried fuse or it will never stop; if you're going to put a car in neutral and push it somewhere, you'd better have someone in the car to steer and make sure you don't get run over; yes, you can run over yourself while driving your own car; holy shit road rash hurts and you will feel like Faith in the shower after fighting the Beast.


I usually activate an OkCupid profile for a few weeks each spring in a burst of optimism, before nuking it from orbit after awkward turtling my way through a bunch of bearded strangers.


Me too! I just reactivated my Tinder earlier this week! But add also the category, "Really cute girls who don't actually want to date you, but instead want you in some sort of threesome with their boyfriend."


Good luck there, my friend. Godspeed.


WHY DID I READ ALL THOSE LOGAN SPOILERS YOU ARE THE LITERAL WORST. Except my heart, which is the literal worstest because FEELINGS.

Date: 2017-03-13 02:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] formanymiles.livejournal.com
Oh god, one of my nightmares is my horn coming on and staying on. I know where my fuses are but not necessarily what they do so I might just. . . defuse the whole situation. :p I rarely use my horn, and I think subconsciously it's because I'm afraid of activating the Nightmare Scenario.

Holy fuck, you ran yourself over??

I had another nice date this afternoon with a sweetheart who is not for me. Right now I'm awkwardly flirting with a dude by discussing hiking trails, so I feel pretty good about celibacy. I wonder if there's any point in including women in my settings? ARE YOU OUT THERE, RURAL GAYS.

I usually don't look at reviews of films I like, because they can take some of the buoyancy out of me, but when I got home and finished writing my feelingsplosion here, I just kept asking the Internet what it thought about our boy Logan. I'm gonna miss that grizzly asshole.

Date: 2017-03-13 04:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] carlyinrome.livejournal.com

So I am lost downtown at maybe 17, and I am really upset because I'm lost and this was before smartphones so I couldn't get a map, and the last time I was lost and stopped to ask for directions I literally ended up in the wrong county. So I am crying already because we all know how well I handle stress, and I drive over like a pothole or something, and my horn just starts BLARING. In my fragile emotional state, I took this turn if events super well, and now I am sobbing and also screaming kind of like telling the horn to stop will make it so? And people around me think I'm some unhinged crazy person honking at them for no reason (half right), so they're all glaring at me which makes me feel even worse. And I'm downtown so there's nowhere to park, so I'm just driving this living hellmobile until I get a little further out of the city and find a parking lot. I get out of the car. I turn the car off. THE HORN IS STILL GOING HOW. These two adult men who obviously have their shit together better than me (though the bar is low) see me jumping out of my car sobbing and frantic, and they come over. They don't ask if I need help because OBVIOUSLY, but they have me pop the hood, and the one guy lifts the hood and reaches in and pulls out the fried fuse and the honking stops. It took him about 20 seconds to fix it; meanwhile, I was preparing to drive off a bridge.


Dating in these Southern non-cities is just fucking disheartening. I mean, dating is already hard enough, but here the pool is so limited, not just because there's fewer people but because everyone marries young and everyone's a backwards Trump loving moron, and a lot of it overlaps so that the little circle segment of this Venn diagram that represents the people within 50 miles whom you could actually stand to be with for more than 20 minutes is infinitesimal.


I'm sorry if this was supposed to be a pep talk. I feel your pain is what I'm saying. (Also I have so many self-esteem issues blind dating a girl, like she is almost certainly going to be prettier than me, etc., and then those are magnified hugely when you're on Tinder because after every swipe right you wait a breathless moment for the little pop-up to tell you you're a match, but it never comes because no one picks you and you are going to die alone.)


I'm so sorry. This is the worst morale booster every. Go team. Rah.


Yeah. I fucking ran myself over.

Date: 2017-03-16 11:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] formanymiles.livejournal.com
You know what, god bless random dudes who feel obliged to help stranded motorists with their car trouble. For real. I was driving to Charlotte a few weeks ago for one of my "shoot it with lasers" appointments, and some jackass comes tearing up the left lane, actually swerving out onto the non-existent shoulder/ditch area to go around the traffic in front of him. Had to be going at least 100 mph. Being in the right lane, I was mostly just gaping at the sheer audacity of it, but people are reckless jackasses on I-77, like, professionally, so I really shouldn't have been surprised. About two or three minutes later, I start smelling the unmistakable smell of Car Trouble, and said aloud, to myself, the only person in my car, "Well, what the fuck is wrong with you now." BUT IT WASN'T ME. It was Speedy McDrivesFast! Back in the ditch whence it came, steam pouring out from under the hood -- I think they blew their radiator. Anyway, two of the cars in front of me pulled off to help the idiot, which was far kinder than I was, obviously. Anyway, god bless 'em. And I'm glad Mechanical Good Samaritans were there for you when you needed them to fix the shitty horn.

I've decided to take the, "Fuck it, let's enjoy ourselves" approach to dating this time. I'm not trying to get married right this second, I just want to meet some cool people and have some good experiences. Short update on dude #2 from post: another sweet but not for me kind of guy. Also, I accidentally swiped left on someone who had listed their occupation as "zookeeper," and now I'm low-key devastated. I saw the swipe in slow-motion. Couldn't stop it. ~The one that got away.~ Fortunately (?) the pool is small, so I've already noticed a handful of repeats. Maybe Zookeeps will cycle back through.

All the girls who have popped up in my radius are married and looking for a third. I can't say definitively, but I'm pretty sure I'm not into that.

Dude, when you said you ran yourself over, you really ran yourself over. I don't know why I thought that was hyperbole. Reframe: "I survived being runover by a car!" Badass.

<3

Date: 2017-03-14 07:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sheathe.livejournal.com
I empathise with this post SO much.

A couple days ago I deactivated my dating profile because there's nothing but single mothers, phishing scams and occasionally women who expect some kind of Cary Grant-inspired instant connection to happen in the first sentence, rather than actually building up a rapport like humans. So yeah, I will die alone surrounded by my cats, and I am coming to terms with that fact.

Eating out by yourself is great once you get over the stigma. I do it weekly now. My students occasionally see me out by myself and project their own feelings on me. "Oh, Sir, I saw you at that restaurant by yourself, you looked lonely." Actually I was enjoying reading a scientific piece about the migration habits of whales while eating miso soup, but thanks for the concern anyway. :P

I'm not sure I can help you with your funk, but if you have had to face death and chosen nihilism as a result of that one-sided conversation with the reaper then I would suggest absurdism may be a happier fit. Absurdist leanings make me a happy chappy as I swiftly hurtle towards oblivion. Helps keep the crazy contained to a little box on the mantelpiece that I can point to when I have dinner guests and say "see there? that's from the before times".

I agree, Logan was great. And have you read The Dresden Files? I may have recommended that series of books to you before.
Anyway, you are not alone in your experiences, my own experiences mirror yours in so many ways. If I was better at being human I'm sure I'd say something actually comforting here but all I got is: *hugs*

Date: 2017-03-16 11:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] formanymiles.livejournal.com
Hey, at least our dead bodies will provide sustenance to the cats for as long as it takes for someone to realize we're missing and rescue them.

It is hard to build a connection with other people! The amount of hustle I'm putting into carrying on conversations on these dates is really making me respect the stable relationships I see in my life. And I guess I should be grateful for my huge extrovert of a boss, who has sort of forced me to be able to carry on a conversation about almost nothing.

I really am starting to feel better -- back to singing in my car instead of crying in it. February was pretty much a write-off, though. My sister and her boyfriend are coming down for the weekend, so I'm really looking forward to some quality family time.

I know and love The Dresden Files! Peace Talks is supposed to be making an appearance this year. I really want Butcher to put out another collection of short stories, like "Side Jobs." I LOVE those little glimpses into Harry's everyday weirdness. Especially loved the one where Thomas was narrating and protecting Harry from some kind of sacrificial ritual, heh.

It's always good to talk to you, dude <3

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Holly

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