in my heart of heart

I think all the other times I thought I was having a quarter life crisis, I was wrong. Or I started having a quarter life crisis at 24, and will continue having one until some as of yet undetermined date. Which is to say, my 28th birthday is Thursday, I will be spending it at a professional conference, and I feel very sad. I might be over-exercising (?) because it is, quite frankly, the only thing that soothes my nutjob anxiety at all, so I'm giving myself a pass on it.

I've had the same job for four years, and while I truly love the fact that I've learned so many different skills and had the opportunity to be successful at the goals set for me, I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. I'm not even sure I want to do this for the rest of the life of my car loan. The problem is that I'm good at lots of things, but I am not passionate about anything. And my birthday is coming up, and I feel like I'm in exactly the same place I was in last year.

I keep thinking, "Well, grad school," but I don't know what discipline I would pursue, which means that would be a pointless waste of time and money. I looked at a job posting for my exact position, but making twice the money in a bigger city, and even though I know I could excel at that position and rake in some $$, the thought of doing the same thing BUT MORE was so disheartening. WHY CAN'T I MAKE A CHOICE ABOUT WHAT I WANT TO DO.

How did you pick your career? Did you feel a calling to do something?

I made mango-banana-Greek yogurt "ice cream," so I have that to look forward to. Man, this is grim.

Last night instead of working out and eating dinner, I instead decided to watch Netflix for a few hours, then that HBO documentary about Scientology. I couldn't make myself do anything. Retroactively declaring it a rest day, I guess. What I have learned from my Parks and Rec binge watch is that I would be an awful sitcom character, because I would just yell angrily whenever dumb hi jinks happened.

Heather and Chris were both out of the office today, so I got caught up on some administrative work. I transferred the old applications to our new process, then scanned 2013's scholarship applications. Now we've got everything from 2004 to now online. Key Accomplishments: oversaw the transition of my organization from pen and paper to the current century.

Kathren and I had Thai for lunch--I'm always surprised that place is open when I want to eat there; for like a month the first year it was open, every time we tried to go it was closed--and she told me something truly awful.

After work (got off at 2:00, yeaahhhhh), I took some flowers out to Mamaw's grave. I haven't been out there since December, but prior to that I was going every week. I think that was probably a mistake--I don't know, maybe I needed to do it. But what it amounted to was that at least once a week I felt guilty, sad, and angry. Mom wasn't home, so I put hers in water and went to see Grandma. She was so happy to see me, although she veered between knowing it was me, thinking it was my sister, and thinking I was still in school. We talked and watched her birds for an hour. I felt moody and bad when I got there, but happier when I left. She really liked her flowers.

Oh, also I had my first bath bomb tonight. I smell AMAZING.