The important thing is that I kept up my special birthday tradition of gut-wrenching misery.

[hollyslowly]

I think all the other times I thought I was having a quarter life crisis, I was wrong. Or I started having a quarter life crisis at 24, and will continue having one until some as of yet undetermined date. Which is to say, my 28th birthday is Thursday, I will be spending it at a professional conference, and I feel very sad. I might be over-exercising (?) because it is, quite frankly, the only thing that soothes my nutjob anxiety at all, so I'm giving myself a pass on it.

I've had the same job for four years, and while I truly love the fact that I've learned so many different skills and had the opportunity to be successful at the goals set for me, I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. I'm not even sure I want to do this for the rest of the life of my car loan. The problem is that I'm good at lots of things, but I am not passionate about anything. And my birthday is coming up, and I feel like I'm in exactly the same place I was in last year.

I keep thinking, "Well, grad school," but I don't know what discipline I would pursue, which means that would be a pointless waste of time and money. I looked at a job posting for my exact position, but making twice the money in a bigger city, and even though I know I could excel at that position and rake in some $$, the thought of doing the same thing BUT MORE was so disheartening. WHY CAN'T I MAKE A CHOICE ABOUT WHAT I WANT TO DO.

How did you pick your career? Did you feel a calling to do something?

I made mango-banana-Greek yogurt "ice cream," so I have that to look forward to. Man, this is grim.

Comments

[carlyinrome.livejournal.com]

Darling, getting older don't mean SHIT. Also, you're basically an infant, so there's no pressure to Fix Your Life (which is kind of a ridiculous endeavor for you, anyway, because quite frankly you're doing pretty great. Your loans are paid off, you have a good job, you have grownup furniture...I'm proud of you.) As for grad school, think of it this way: what job will this get me? What career do I want? Because grad school is for qualifying you for a career, not just a job. I chose a program that would allow me to do what I love for a living. I knew that I wanted to write, so that's what I pursued. If you don't know what field you'd like to go into, or what kind of job you want to do for the rest of your life, wait. Grad school is a huge commitment, and not something to rush into because you're feeling stagnant.

I love you. Hmu if you want to talk.

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

Right now I'm self-soothing by looking at expensive leather purses on Etsy; I think that's what bothers me most--I feel very small-minded, like there is a bigger picture in front of me that I can't see. And logically I know that I'm doing well for myself, especially in comparison to my age group in general and the people who post on the r/personalfinance sub on Reddit, but part of me is saying, "Trying hard is not good enough!" (Partly because that is the title of the book we're using at work about evaluation methods, and it has really sunk in for me.) And a shitty thing (not the, just a) is that I've thought for a long time that I would like to study library/archival sciences, but is that something sustainable that I'm actually passionate about, or is it just some weird mental fixation I've gotten, like many other weird mental fixations?

Sigh. Thank you for reading all that mess. <3

[carlyinrome.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think your "trying hard isn't good enough!" thing might be an unreasonable (unreachable) goal.

Is there any way you can do some volunteer work or something in a library? Actually working in the field taught me that a career in medicine wasn't for me.

Also, your birthday present is set to arrive while you're at your conference thingie. Whoops.

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

Hey, something to look forward to after the conference! And spending three hours in a car with my boss!

I'm not sure that volunteering at our county library would have the same benefit, because I'm not as interested in public-facing services, but it is worth a shot.

Just let out a legit heavy sigh. How did you prepare for taking the GRE? I have taken it once before and got near perfect scores on the writing and qualitative reasoning sections, but barely broke the 500s in the quantitative, so I need to study differently this time, clearly.

[sky-was-green.livejournal.com]

Butting in to let you know that while I did take the GRE, I didn't end up needing to send it to any of my library schools! So I would advise not stressing about it too much, unless you have a particular school in mind that requires it.

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

Oh, that is excellent news. As I recall, it was an expensive test, so if I don't need to do it again, I'm definitely not going to.

[carlyinrome.livejournal.com]

Yeah, about the GRE... I may have only applied to schools that didn't require GRE scores. Because I am an adult who makes adult decisions.

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

HAH. #rolemodel

[carlyinrome.livejournal.com]

I live large and take charge, Holly.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

Butting in to add my agreement to the your "trying hard isn't good enough!" thing might be an unreasonable (unreachable) goal pile.

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

But. . . I NEED TO BE PERFECT.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

You can always try to be better but you are already enough.

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

I am working on this mindset! Spoiler: I am not good at it yet.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

WE ARE IMPROVING.

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

EXCELSIOR.