The important thing is that I kept up my special birthday tradition of gut-wrenching misery.

[hollyslowly]

I think all the other times I thought I was having a quarter life crisis, I was wrong. Or I started having a quarter life crisis at 24, and will continue having one until some as of yet undetermined date. Which is to say, my 28th birthday is Thursday, I will be spending it at a professional conference, and I feel very sad. I might be over-exercising (?) because it is, quite frankly, the only thing that soothes my nutjob anxiety at all, so I'm giving myself a pass on it.

I've had the same job for four years, and while I truly love the fact that I've learned so many different skills and had the opportunity to be successful at the goals set for me, I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. I'm not even sure I want to do this for the rest of the life of my car loan. The problem is that I'm good at lots of things, but I am not passionate about anything. And my birthday is coming up, and I feel like I'm in exactly the same place I was in last year.

I keep thinking, "Well, grad school," but I don't know what discipline I would pursue, which means that would be a pointless waste of time and money. I looked at a job posting for my exact position, but making twice the money in a bigger city, and even though I know I could excel at that position and rake in some $$, the thought of doing the same thing BUT MORE was so disheartening. WHY CAN'T I MAKE A CHOICE ABOUT WHAT I WANT TO DO.

How did you pick your career? Did you feel a calling to do something?

I made mango-banana-Greek yogurt "ice cream," so I have that to look forward to. Man, this is grim.

Comments

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

It was. . . a tactical error, on my part. It did kindle a small hope in me that perhaps all the, what are we calling them, disaffected voters? Bitchass white people? That they might have only heard the candy corn in sound bites and not seen him actually have a two-hour long discussion ("discussion") with a grownup, as none of the other candidates in his party's primary qualified. It's very disheartening to see the supperating boil of indiscriminate shrieking hatred of his supporters (at our annual Apple Fest on Saturday, I saw a man my age wearing a shirt that said "Trump that bitch 2016", which made me feel a bit ill), but I have somehow held on to the hope that the boil will be lanced. There are a lot of people out there who are angry for reasons that I can't understand on a human to human level.

Bread has been excellent all week. Had it for breakfast with eggs, lunch with tuna salad, snack with blueberry jam. Nom nom nom. Also, I bought a pastry brush, so next time I make it, the egg wash on top will be more evenly distributed. Perhaps I can trade that brush for shelter after the upcoming apocalypse.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

Bitchass white people?

Suits me.

I have somehow held on to the hope that the boil will be lanced.

Tragically I think they're just voting... AGAINST. Women. And using lovely words like "Killary" and "Hitlary" because INTELLECT AND RHETORIC.

Daaaaaaaang, come here and bake for me (I love blueberry jam). I have been... making... hotpot. Because all I have to do is cut stuff up and ignore it in a cooker for a million years.

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

UGH, yes. Because that makes you look smart.

To be technically correct about it, the label actually calls it "blueberry butter." It's super creamy and reminds me of the texture of jelly, almost. SO GOOD. I apparently am one of those bought it at the farmer's market twats now, but dang it's good.

This the video I watched to make the bread! It took FIVE HOURS. But it was fucking worth it. Eating a sandwich on bread that I made makes me feel like a god. I CREATED THESE CALORIES. THEY ARE MINE TO DO WITH AS I WILL.

Ahem.

Can you put tofu in a crock pot? How do you think that would go? I have a crockpot/slow cooker and keep trying different things in it, mostly bean-based, but have not discovered any recipe that truly makes my heart sing.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

I literally want to rewrite some of their arguments for them at this point because the level of faulty logic is making me cry on a purely technical level.

OH COOL, like apple butter? (Listen you, I farmers market whenever I can. On Sunday I bought fucking Scandinavian bread and butter pudding from the WE SELL STUFF MADE WITH RYE stand and they remembered my awful face from a fortnight ago).

FIVE. HOURS. O_O (wait I make things that take 10 hours what)

Yes! You do it as part of a stew and it soaks up some of the flavour. Also. Pro tip. Stuffed veg? You put dry rice and spices and such in the hollowed out veg, pour in the water, wrap it in a little foil jacket, and stand it in the slow cooker. the rice expands. It is a joy.

And it's a good way to cook pumpkin.

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

It is physically painful. I think our bloated, unceasing election cycles have hurt my immune system.

YES, exactly! It is rich and flavorful. I WANNA BUY SCANDINAVIAN BREAD. I bought the blueberry butter at a music festival I volunteered at a couple of weeks ago, but our regular farmers market does not have a lot of participation/diversity in produce. Lots of vegetables and apples. Some poorly made jewelry. But going to it on occasion makes me feel quite sophisticated.

FIVE HOURS, TRULY. Gotta let the yeast activate (10 minutes), mix ingredients and let dough rest for 15 minutes, knead for 10 minutes, let rise for an hour, knead for 10 minutes, let rise for an hour, shape into loaves and let rise for 45 minutes, bake for 25-30 minutes. Good, though.

That sounds DELIGHTFUL. I happen to have a red bell pepper and some brown rice (also quinoa, ugh) on hand. So does the tofu also go in the veg? Or is it in the water separately?

I love food that has jackets. I gave my apple crisp a tent this weekend to stop it from singeing itself as it baked.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

They've certainly hurt mine.

PERFECT, but also I am sorry you do not have my GLOBAL EXTRAVANGANZA of food at yours. More variety! More products! More CHEESE.

That is awfully labour-intensive to a man who has one bakery a minute and a half outside his front door and about forty Turkish bakeries in less than two miles.

YES! I stuffed a pepper with brown rice and tofu and hotpot mix LITERALLY THIS EVENING. The tofu goes both in the veg and in the soup and anywhere there is a flavouring.

Aww yeah - cooking things en papiot is another fav of mine. I got Smart and started wrapping stuff in rice paper instead of using greaseproof and now I can eat the jacket.

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

Forty Turkish bakeries? Good god, man. Leave some for the rest of us. Though if I can't have ready access to international baked goods, at least I have YouTube.

It's honestly not that much work. Mostly a lot of waiting around whilst your home fills with the smell of warm yeast, slowly driving you mad with hunger. Uh.

I am going to try this! The shallow fry worked out great for me on my second attempt at tofuing, so you've got a solid history of recommendation. I've never used rice paper before though.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

Slight exaggeration but we're not short on them around here. Gods bless and keep Green Lanes, wherein lies a significant Turkish diaspora.

I am notoriously bad at getting bread to rise so I imagine this would try my patience somewhat more than my favourite unlevened approach of "fuck it, chapatis" (chapatis are GREAT).

Rice paper as in the stuff they use for summer rolls, I mean. And YESSSSSSS fried tofu good :D

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

That sounds lovely.

I have had the "fuck it, chapatis" response in the other direction, where they wouldn't fucking roll out and hold together, so I threw it all in a baking tin with some olive oil and baking powder. It was pretty good (had added mashed sweet potato and spices to the mix).

Yes! I have seen it at the super market before, so that is promising for my ability to obtain it. My grocery list is diversifying.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

Ah I had the rolling out and holding together problem when I was making mine with gram/besan flour (not enough gluten to hold it together, should have put in xanthum gum but didn't know) so aggressively added an egg and made it into a pancake instead. :D

YESSSSS good good good good <3 (The book I am reading at the moment features a lot of the main character cooking 19th century Turkish food, I want to CRY for how much I want to eat most of it)

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

NICE. My parents took pity on my use of a soda can as a rolling pin, so I got an actual rolling pin for my birthday. I feel like I must make bread tomorrow, as I am out and talking about it to you has made me hungry.

What are you reading? I've decided to blame my fucking mystery illness for me not having read a book in about two months. I have the sequel to The Devil's Detective waiting for me when my brain comes back online.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

Ah! Wine bottle. ALWAYS a wine bottle.

I can't actually remember the title, but it' one of the Yashim books by Jason Goodwin. Protagonist is an actual and literal eunuch.