The important thing is that I kept up my special birthday tradition of gut-wrenching misery.

[hollyslowly]

I think all the other times I thought I was having a quarter life crisis, I was wrong. Or I started having a quarter life crisis at 24, and will continue having one until some as of yet undetermined date. Which is to say, my 28th birthday is Thursday, I will be spending it at a professional conference, and I feel very sad. I might be over-exercising (?) because it is, quite frankly, the only thing that soothes my nutjob anxiety at all, so I'm giving myself a pass on it.

I've had the same job for four years, and while I truly love the fact that I've learned so many different skills and had the opportunity to be successful at the goals set for me, I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. I'm not even sure I want to do this for the rest of the life of my car loan. The problem is that I'm good at lots of things, but I am not passionate about anything. And my birthday is coming up, and I feel like I'm in exactly the same place I was in last year.

I keep thinking, "Well, grad school," but I don't know what discipline I would pursue, which means that would be a pointless waste of time and money. I looked at a job posting for my exact position, but making twice the money in a bigger city, and even though I know I could excel at that position and rake in some $$, the thought of doing the same thing BUT MORE was so disheartening. WHY CAN'T I MAKE A CHOICE ABOUT WHAT I WANT TO DO.

How did you pick your career? Did you feel a calling to do something?

I made mango-banana-Greek yogurt "ice cream," so I have that to look forward to. Man, this is grim.

Comments

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

Ooh, I love it. Equine Booty Tour '16. I'm actually going to a yoga class in an hour. Let's see if I've matured enough to handle all that sincerity. (Prolly not.)

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

HOW WAS IT

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

REALLY GOOD. I'm getting soft in my old age. I can tell from the intro stuff that it's going to help my balance, and I had entered a zero-anxiety state by the end of class. Very soothing. Can recommend.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

Was it full of Nanas? I always enjoyed the old ladies who could do full ouroborouses of themselves. I'd go myself but I live in yummy mummy/actor hell and they're all competitive and skeletal clean eaters.

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

Yes! I was the youngest person there. Being in a room of flexible grandmas was very comforting, for some reason. Like, they could probably hug me and make me dinner simultaneously. The instructor was really calming and said a bit about comparing yourself to where you were yesterday, not your neighbor. Saturday was the 101 workshop and now regular classes are on Wednesdays, so off I go this evening. I'm looking forward to it, though I suspect there will be less Nans about as it is in the evening and closer to dark. It was odd to leave the house in what felt like pajamas; I imagine it will be odder still to change into them at the office before I go.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

That was the part I always liked - they were so encouraging despite me being ABSOLUTE RUBBISH and one of our nanas had pink hair at the front ("I always wanted to do this," she told me, "and now my hair is white and my children have pushed off and can't complain!"). At the time I had EXACTLY THE SAME COLOUR HAIR. I think we used the same dye. Magical.

I imagine it will be odder still to change into them at the office before I go.

Are you going to drive in your not-pyjamas? I always imagine that feels terribly decadent - it did when I was a kid and got driven home from places Already Ready For Bed.

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

That is the greatest story I've ever heard about hair dye. I'm hoping to get these people warmed up to me before next summer when I will inevitably come to class in shorts and display a variety of tattoos. I try to make old ladies like me as a person before exposing them to my nontraditional lifestyle choices; as a tactic, this has been somewhat successful when working with donors and volunteers, so I have hope.

I did drive in my not-pajamas! Joggers, t-shirt, and flipflops, and I had my hair pulled back with a head band. It was an interesting sensory experience, and it reminded me of when my dad would take my sister and me in secret to find Christmas presents for my mom. I was in stealth-human mode.

Didn't quite manage to stop for groceries on the way home, though, which I suppose means I am not quite liberated from my raising. Heh.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

Different areas, I think. Tavistock & surrounds were full the fuck up with ageing hippies who were terribly excited by people being a bit Outre while not actually inhaling cats (they were not, happily, aware that the reason I was doing yoga with them at 10am on a Thursday was because I had been suspended from school for an illegally long time due to attempting suicide a second time). I don't THINK you'll have any trouble because a) you are a fucking delight and b) your tattoos are not, iirc, as heavy on the naked men and rotting flesh and large swear words as mine oh dear are.

I find it deeply sweet that you won't go to buy groceries in Not Pyjamas and meanwhile I casually blend in with my fellow Wood Green denizens by walking around Morrisons at 11pm in one knock-off Ugg boot and one welly in jogger shorts and an in-side out t-shirt and a pair of sunglasses while crying. (A man was shouting abuse at the west indian food section and the ceiling panels so uh, 11pm is not the time to be buying fish, in future).

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

I believe the median age where I live is mid-40s to 50s, due to an outmigration of youth caused by failure of the manufacturing industry here. That's why I find it rather exciting to meet people even near my age; I will accept early to mid-30s as being in my range, as it now appears so when I fill out online surveys (25-34!).

one knock-off Ugg boot and one welly in jogger shorts and an in-side out t-shirt and a pair of sunglasses while crying.

Ah, let me point out the difference -- you are devilishly cool, while I am always a tall nerd, despite any accouterments I may add. Perhaps this is due to my lacking tattoos with naked men, rotting flesh, and/or large swear words. I was wearing joggers, though long ones.

I am intimidated by fresh fish/meat in general and tend to subsist on the protein in Greek yogurt and Quest bars. This is probably why I have to take a multivitamin.

I did get a SHODDILY DONE tattoo under my collar bone in January that has been depressing me for the entire year and for which I had my first removal session on Saturday. That was an interesting experience. It took me some time to come to the decision to remove it, mostly based on the cost, but I finally realized that my mental health and not dissociating from my body were worth putting back $50 a paycheck. I was somewhat nervous about the pain, because everything I read said it was the worst pain they'd ever felt, but I would compare it honestly to a series of bee stings that were sore for a few hours and now only itch intermittently. Well below back pain on the spectrum. Pleased it hasn't blistered yet.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

I'm hitting the opposite end of that age range next month so I will gracefully take "am your age" as the fucking supermarket still thinks I'm 17.

I AM NOT DEVILISHLY COOL I'M A BIPEDAL TRASH PILE and also a nerd. A short one.

I do not know if there is a US equivalent of Huel but it may be of interest to you in that case. Also did u know if you add gluten powder to stuff it becomes magically protein AND elastic. magic. (i made huel/gluten chapatis tonight and feel like a clever dick because i mixed ... powder and water and fried it. go me.)

I ... I didn't realise it was so cheap. I have a couple of shite ones I was planning on getting altered/covered. I might consider getting them lifted a bit first if this is the case. Will consult with m'dude now he's NOT IN HOSPITAL ANY MORE what an ASS that man is.

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

Nah, you're wicked.

Huel looks a bit like Soylent! I have not delved into that yet because I'm not crazy about drinking my calories (I LIKE TO CHEW AND REND, RAWR). I made tofu at home for the first time Sunday evening and it. . . was okay. Requires further tuning. I think I was somewhat hampered by the fact that I'd never eaten tofu before, didn't have a lot of things to cook with it, and had decided watching two YouTube videos was subsequent preparation for a first effort.

Well, it's $50/paycheck every two weeks for two months; $199 a pop at the place I went to. Fortunately black ink is the easiest to lift out? I think it helps that I'm super hella pale, which as I recall you are as well. I talked to several artists before I decided to get it removed to see if covering it was feasible, but it was too dark to have anything done to it without being lightened first.

I'm still bitter about my artist's non-apology apology, which was along the lines of, "I'm sorry you're unhappy with [linework I apparently did on day two of heroin withdraw]; let me stab you with inky needles some more and see if that helps." A friend of mine who actually studied art pointed out that the first piece this artist did for me, a thigh piece which I love, is much different stylistically than this one. I think she should have recognized it was outside her wheelhouse, though. My thigh piece has lots of bold lines and is very visually graphic, whereas this was a lot of delicate lines that she fucked up and tried to hide with dark shading WITHOUT ASKING ME. But it will be okay.

WHAT DID HE DO

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

I HAVE TIPS FOR TOFU if you'd like?

Ahh yeah yup. My tattooist cannot do line art, so I will find someone else for the heraldry stuff when that becomes necessary.

Biko did what he always does and FUCKED HIMSELF UP SKATEBOARDING because he is AN ENORMOUS CHILD but I cannot hate him because he is very good to me and gives me free weed and massive discounts and I think wants to be my friend but I am incapable of new friendships.

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

TELL ME ABOUT THE TOFU

What heraldry stuff? What are you planning?

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

GET AS MUCH WATER OUT OF THE TOFU AS POSSIBLE. Also, buy firm, super firm, killer firm tofu. Get water out by wrapping it in paper towels and gently repeatedly squashing it under a plate. The more water comes out the more flavour will get in when you cook it. Then, marinades, frying, or slow-cooking. Tofu is happiest with lots of flavour. Brushing it with soy sauce before shallow-frying is Super Ideal.

http://www.redbubble.com/people/delilahdesanges/works/22651657-des-anges-tattoo-crest?asc=u&ref=recent-owner This, more-or-less. On my chest, when the deboobing is done with.

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

I got the firm tofu! Step one was accomplished! I baked it though :( Got it nice and crunchy; unfortunately not much flavor. I am going back to the grocery store tomorrow and then I will TRY AGAIN WITH THE SOY SAUCE THING.

That is gonna be ~awesome.~ Have you had any more progress with getting your correct appointment? I saw that they sent you back to do the same process you'd already completed.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

Chop into inch chunks and marinade, or inch-thick slices and eggwash/breadcrumb if you're going to bake! (This evening I put soft tofu and slow-cooked pumpkin and spice and syrup in the blender and made PUMPKIN SPICE MOUSSE so y'know, it makes a good dessert as well).

Hahaha NO they gave me a "finish your pre-assessment on THIS date and we'll give you a date THEN please leave us alone" fob-off but in, like, 18 days I can have that to look forward to. I still kind of want to just breadknife them.

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

I'm getting excited about tofu tomorrow, I hope you know that. For me, a lot of adulthood has consisted of "being excited over my grocery shopping" and "going to sleep at 10."

I still kind of want to just breadknife them.

That sounds. . . messy. YOU ARE SO CLOSE. Maybe leave off the breadknife a bit longer.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

It's okay I get excited about recipe experimentation, PROTEIN, different exercises, and having fresh sheets. Adulthood!

Messy *and* melodramatic but the proximity is making me crazy. GET IT OVER WITH SO I CAN GET ON WITH OBSESSING OVER THE NEXT LOAD OF SURGERY.

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

I have fallen down the hole of watching cooking videos on YouTube. I have multiple subscriptions. The other day I watched something from the British Museum about recreating a loaf of bread they found entombed in a Pompeian oven.

HURRY UP BEFORE I DIE OF WAITING, I am familiar with this sensation. It drives me crazy.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

DO YOU SUBSCRIBE TO JUN'S KITCHEN YOUTUBE FEED IT IS SO GENTLE AND LOVELY

... eeee ancient bread

(i have a medieval cookbook AND lobscouse and spotted dog there is no stopping me.)

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

I have not heard of it! Accidentally I watch a lot of vegan/vegetarian bloggers. Sometimes it makes me inspired and sometimes it makes me want a bloody steak.

WHAT MEDIEVAL COOKBOOK

At the moment I'm making French bread with a flax seed egg wash and half-heartedly listening to the first "presidential" debate. I'm streaming it on YouTube and it keeps glitching out, which might be for the best.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

It's uh, it's a cooking channel by a tall quiet Japanese man (his small American wife has a channel too) and he cooks with his enormous fluffy cat. It's very soothing.

Oh ARSE DARN I left it in the other room.

Gross, I hear the debate was a fucking disaster?

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

I also have a fluffy cat as a sous-chef! Typically she helps by running back and forth between my feet in the kitchen.

It was, as they say in the vernacular, a shitshow. I had thus far avoided watching/listening to the upside down piece of racist candy corn, so sitting through almost two hours of him was a bit of a trial.

The bread I was baking turned out quite well, though.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

Haku - Jun's cat - is very well-behaved. Like, surprisingly so.

oh my god you poor child why would you
i mean, i have seen the commentaries. i would rather chow on me own boke than watch that with my own two eyes

AT LEAST THERE WAS BREAD? (I'm making partridge soup because I found a partridge in my freezer. That happened.)

[formanymiles.livejournal.com]

It was. . . a tactical error, on my part. It did kindle a small hope in me that perhaps all the, what are we calling them, disaffected voters? Bitchass white people? That they might have only heard the candy corn in sound bites and not seen him actually have a two-hour long discussion ("discussion") with a grownup, as none of the other candidates in his party's primary qualified. It's very disheartening to see the supperating boil of indiscriminate shrieking hatred of his supporters (at our annual Apple Fest on Saturday, I saw a man my age wearing a shirt that said "Trump that bitch 2016", which made me feel a bit ill), but I have somehow held on to the hope that the boil will be lanced. There are a lot of people out there who are angry for reasons that I can't understand on a human to human level.

Bread has been excellent all week. Had it for breakfast with eggs, lunch with tuna salad, snack with blueberry jam. Nom nom nom. Also, I bought a pastry brush, so next time I make it, the egg wash on top will be more evenly distributed. Perhaps I can trade that brush for shelter after the upcoming apocalypse.